Maggie
by Vol lady
Summary: In San Francisco, Jarrod finds himself falling in love with Maggie Larsen, the waitress at his cafe. But they are not kids - they are both widowed, and the both have heavy baggage in their lives, not the least of which is Jarrod's chronic illness. How can they navigate their own pasts and proper San Francisco society to build a real relationship?
1. Chapter 1

Maggie

Chapter 1

Late Autumn, 1879

Jarrod was as nervous as a schoolboy, even though he couldn't understand why. He was 36 years old, for heaven's sake. There had been several other women, for heaven's sake. He had been married, for heaven's sake.

Maybe that was it. Maggie was the first woman he had even asked to see socially since his wife, Beth, had been killed. Was there some guilt floating around inside? Maybe, but not enough to make him turn around and go home, obviously. No, it was time to start seeing someone, and Maggie was a lovely someone to be seeing.

She was waitress at his favorite café, widowed like he was. He had actually known her for several months. They'd had many casual conversations, brief but tantalizing, and as he was finally putting to rest a recurring threat by someone against him and his family, he asked her out. A simple Sunday afternoon of theatre and an early dinner. No big commitment, nothing fancy.

So why was he so nervous that he arrived at the place they agreed to meet a good ten minutes early?

It worked out. Maggie was five minutes early, and seeing him, she flashed that beautiful smile and laughed. "And here I thought I was arriving too early."

Jarrod laughed a little bit himself. "Do I look overanxious?"

"No, just not so good at judging the time."

Jarrod offered his arm, and Maggie took it. "I hope you like Shakespeare. Measure for Measure is playing."

"I love Shakespeare, and Measure for Measure is one of my favorites. I've never gotten to see it performed."

"Well, then, you're in for a treat."

XXXXXX

She was so easy to talk to, so easy to be with. Seeing the play together, Jarrod didn't have to explain a thing. Maggie seemed to follow everything – which she obviously did, since she had read the play more than once. She even made a gasping noise during Angelo's "What art thou, Angelo" speech, one of Jarrod's favorite Shakespeare monologues. He felt so comfortable with her that holding her hand seemed perfectly natural, so he did, almost through the whole play.

When they left to go to dinner, they found a cold wind had come in from the ocean. Jarrod put his coat around Maggie's shoulders. He could have sworn she tingled at his touch. She could have sworn he lingered for a moment on her shoulders.

Dinner was at one of Jarrod's favorite restaurants. "I'd have preferred to take you to my club, but they close on Sundays," he said after they were seated.

Being late autumn, it was already turning dark. The restaurant was lovely by candlelight. The waiters were attentive without being intrusive. Jarrod ordered Chateaubriand for the two of them.

And they talked, and talked, and talked. Jarrod explained how he had decided to live in San Francisco full time. He told Maggie about his family still in Stockton. Maggie explained that she had grown up in a family of four, including herself and a brother who had died in the war, but that her family was all gone now. She had not remained close with her husband's extended family for reasons she did not explain. She was alone in the world but making do all right.

"I'm surprised no gentleman has scooped you up before now," Jarrod said.

Maggie laughed that melodic laugh of hers. "I suppose you can blame my lingering attachment to my husband, and maybe also the need to be working so much. Things get in the way of a social life."

"Well, I know how that is," Jarrod said. "I have my own memories tugging at me, and I've also been burning the midnight oil a lot."

"I guess that's why this afternoon has turned out so special. We don't do it often enough."

"I wouldn't mind doing it again before too long," Jarrod said.

"I wouldn't mind, either," Maggie said.

The food was delicious and they lingered together at the restaurant for a couple hours before Maggie pleaded the necessity of turning in early for a long day's work the next day. Jarrod paid the bill, and they left together, Maggie wearing Jarrod's coat again.

They still took their time walking to Maggie's home, still anxious to talk together and not willing to give it up too soon. She took him to a block of houses with steps leading up to a front door. It looked like an older townhouse that had been divided into apartments. Maggie stopped at the bottom of the steps and began to take Jarrod's coat off. He helped her.

"Well, I'm sorry to call an end to this lovely day, but…"

"But real life calls," Jarrod said. "I've had a wonderful time, Maggie. May I see you again?"

"I would like that," she said, and she kissed him on the cheek. "But I assume you mean other than at the café."

Jarrod smiled. "Definitely other than at the café."

"Good night, Jarrod."

"Good night," he said and watched as she climbed the stairs and let herself into the building. In a moment or two, lights came on in the first floor apartment to the left of the stairs.

Jarrod sighed, put his coat on, and began the long walk home. But his steps were not heavy tonight.

XXXXX

The next evening, Jarrod took his dinner at the café and, of course, saw Maggie there. They kept things very businesslike – she called him Mr. Barkley, not Jarrod, and he refrained from touching her hand when she set his dinner down in front of him.

He did tell her about something that had come up. "I'm going to have to dash off to Sacramento tomorrow."

"Oh?" Maggie said. "Government business?"

"Something like that. I don't think I'll be gone long, but if you don't see me for a few days, don't think I've gone and left you."

Maggie smiled. "I do believe you're the kind of man who would tell me and explain why if you went off and left me."

"I am, I promise," he said. "But don't count on a speech like that anytime soon."

"Well, I hope you have a good trip and come back hungry."

"I plan on it."

XXXXXX

Jarrod's trip to Sacramento had come up fairly quickly. A telegram from a State Senator had arrived on Monday morning. Senator Donald Coleman was an acquaintance from law school days, and he apparently had a problem he needed to discuss with Jarrod in person. Jarrod felt lukewarm about his memories of the man – they hadn't been close, but they hadn't been unfriendly either. Jarrod felt like it was a good idea to help an old acquaintance, and it wouldn't hurt to move deeper into the State political circles if he was hoping to Attorney General someday.

He thought about that on the train just as casually as he had ever thought about it, and then suddenly he was brought up short by reality. Under his circumstances, being Attorney General was a pipe dream. He was a man living with a cloud over his head, that heart problem. There was no set deadline on his life, but the wall was there, up ahead somewhere. The road to being Attorney General might very well be too long for him to take.

And did he really want it anyway? What did he really want out of life? That dreadfully hard question slapped him right in the face. When your time is limited – no matter what the limit is – you look at everything differently, and harder. What did he really want out of life?

The more he thought about it, the more he knew it wasn't the Attorney General position he wanted. He remembered a conversation with his mother a few years earlier, after he'd been blinded in an explosion. He walked with her in his own darkness and talked about what he really wanted out of life. At the time, what he wanted was a wife and a family. Was it really any different now, even though his dreams had been torn apart after Beth? Didn't he still want a woman to love him?

Yes, he did. And it wasn't too late to have her either. Maybe a year, maybe five, maybe more. If it was to be a year, it would be a wonderful year, and it would not be taken up with trying to be Attorney General. It would be given to Maggie, if she would have it. And if it was to be five years or even longer, they would be even more glorious.

When Jarrod walked into the State offices in Sacramento and found Donald Coleman's suite, he greeted Donald's secretary with a happy, resolved smile, and then he greeted Donald with a firm handshake.

"Come on back here, Jarrod," Coleman said and invited him into his inner office.

Jarrod had seen many offices of State representatives, and this one was the same, decked out in mahogany paneling and fine furniture. He sat down in front of Donald's desk, and Donald sat down behind it.

"So, how are you, Jarrod?"

"Just fine," Jarrod said and realized he meant it more at this moment than he had in a long, long time. "How about you, Donald? It's been a long time."

"Sure has," Donald said and leaned back in his chair. "And you've had one helluva career. A lot of us have been watching."

"I'm flattered," Jarrod said, although he'd heard this before.

"I called you here because I wanted to talk you into something – running for Attorney General next term. You have some bipartisan support here in Sacramento. We think you can gather a lot of votes from everybody, and we think you're the man for the job."

There it was. What Jarrod had aimed for for years, and now – "Thank you, Donald, I am flattered and honored, but that's not on my agenda anymore."

Donald was startled. "Really? I've talked to several people who were certain you'd be interested."

"Well, at one time I was, but priorities change in life, you know – and frankly, there are a few skeletons in my closet you really don't want to see come out, and they would if I ran for office."

"What skeletons? Maybe they can be dealt with."

Jarrod shook his head. "No, they can't. Just take my word for it. And besides, like I said, priorities change. Political office just isn't one of mine anymore."

Donald looked stunned. "Well, here I thought you were a sure choice. How can I change your mind?"

"You can't," Jarrod said, and he stood up and extended his hand. "I'm sorry, Donald. Maybe in a year or two, you'll understand my position – maybe you'll come to reevaluating your own priorities one of these days. But my life has genuinely changed over the past few months, and I like it better this way."

Donald stood up and took Jarrod's hand. "I can't say I understand your position, Jarrod, but I do wish you well. And if you change your mind – "

"I won't," Jarrod quickly said. "Thank you for considering me, though. I'm honored – really."

And that was it. Was it a stroke of luck that had Jarrod thinking about the Attorney General position on the train, or was it long distance mind reading? He didn't know, but he was glad he had made the decision before he met with Senator Coleman, because it was very comforting being ready for the pitch and knowing how he wanted to answer it.

Jarrod left the office complex and took a hack to the train station. He was lucky enough to catch a train to San Francisco, and he relaxed and smiled all the way home.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

He arrived back at San Francisco later than he'd hoped – the train had been delayed for some time by cattle that had gotten on the track and refused to be moved until the drovers who routinely handled them came and got them off. It was actually an entertaining sight, watching the stubborn old animals looking at a gigantic train with a "so what" attitude. Even after the train started moving again, the cattle just looked at it with the same attitude and watched it go by.

It was good for a laugh, or maybe Jarrod was just in that kind of mood – happy, certain of his direction in life, ready to smile and laugh at any decent prompt.

He got home too late to see Maggie, which was disappointing, but at least he would see her tomorrow. He had some leftover ham in the ice box at home and made himself a sandwich for a very late dinner. A small bit of scotch and he was tired enough to go to bed.

But once he was down, he felt restless. It was the scotch, he was sure, but he wished he could get up and go see Maggie. He finally fell asleep, wishing he could see Maggie.

XXXXXXX

He was late getting up in the morning and arriving at his office. Angie, his secretary, who was working hard at transcribing some of his notes, was actually surprised to see him.

"Mr. Barkley! I thought you'd still be in Sacramento!"

"No," he said. "One short meeting cleared everything up and I was able to catch a late train. How was everything here yesterday? Anything alarming?"

"A couple telegrams, but nothing marked urgent. I put them on your desk."

"I remembered to clear my calendar for today, didn't I?"

"Yes, since you thought you'd be traveling back from Sacramento."

"Good. I want to spend the day preparing for the Littman trial next week, so don't disturb me unless it's urgent, okay?"

"All right. The files are all on your desk."

"Good. I'll let you know if I need anything."

"Coffee?"

"Good idea. Thank you."

Jarrod went into his office but left his door open for Angie to bring his coffee in. He found the two telegrams on his desk, unopened. One was from his brother Nick and another was from Senator Coleman. Interesting, Coleman sent a telegram on the same day Jarrod saw him.

Jarrod opened the Coleman telegram first. All it said was, "Reconsider yet?" It made Jarrod smile. He put it aside for the moment.

Then he opened and read Nick's telegram. It said Audra was home but had been sick. She was all right now but Nick asked him to come home soon anyway. Jarrod fretted over that one, not only because Audra had been sick, but because he had just sent a message a couple days ago that he could not come soon because of the trial. When would he have time to go back to the ranch?

Angie came in with his coffee.

Jarrod said, "Angie, would you just wire Senator Coleman back and say 'no, sorry.' And wire my brother Nick, tell him 'can't come now – big trial – all my love to Audra – be back soon as I can.'"

"I guess you're in pretty sorry shape today, huh?" Angie said.

Jarrod smirked. "No, actually, I'm doing wonderfully today. Don't let me work past noon, all right? And bring me some coffee in about an hour?"

"Will do," Angie said and went out, closing the door.

Jarrod dug right into the Littman file. Big land dispute, his client and an adjoining landowner both claiming ownership of a strip of land between them that contained a reliable creek that had never been known to go dry. Each of them wanted the rights to it because each of them had herds of cattle to keep watered and each of them wanted the other to have no rights to it at all.

Jarrod remembered the fight with Adam Howard not long ago over his damming up a creek on his property and denying the Barkleys access to the water. Jarrod moaned and rubbed his forehead at the memory. Land disputes like this were always trouble, and often shooting trouble.

At least in the Littman case, it was his client who had current possession of the land and good title. His neighbor was claiming the title was fraudulent, but Jarrod knew the neighbor didn't have a prayer of winning this case. Jarrod went through the files carefully, making sure he had all the proper documentation and the proper questions for both his own client and the neighbor when they took the stand.

Angie knocked and came back in with another cup of coffee.

"You just brought me coffee!" Jarrod said.

Angie made a face at his cup, still full and absolutely untouched since she put it down there. "That was an hour ago, Mr. Barkley. It's eleven already."

"What?" Jarrod checked his watch, and she was right. He moaned. "Make sure I get out of here for some lunch at noon, please? I'm getting into this stuff so deep I've lost track of myself."

"Don't worry, Mr. Barkley, I'll take care of you," Angie said and left, taking the cup of cold coffee with her.

Jarrod hardly blinked twice before Angie was knocking on the door again. She poked her head in.

"It's noon, Mr. Barkley."

Jarrod groaned again and got up. "I don't know why I'm getting so wrapped up in this case. It's not even that interesting."

Angie turned with a smile and left. Jarrod reached for his jacket, hung up on the hat tree beside his desk.

And suddenly felt like someone had punched him in the chest. He caught hold of his desk. His knees were buckling. He grabbed for his jacket and caught it as he sank back into his chair. He fumbled for the pills he kept in the pocket on the inside of the jacket. He got one out and put it under his tongue, then he just sat there and breathed.

 _Darn it all,_ he thought. _This is getting downright annoying._

He tried to relax and not be frightened, and a few deep breaths took care of both. It only took a minute or two for the pain to subside, and in a minute or two more he was able to get up and put his jacket on.

He went through to his outer office, where Angie sat behind her desk. He did not let on that anything had happened, and he got away with it. "I'll see you in an hour or so," he said and went out, and she never knew he'd had any problem.

By the time he was on the street, he felt just about good as new. His handy little devil pills really were miraculous that way. He was able to walk at a fairly brisk pace all the way to the café where Maggie worked.

And she was there, smiling as beautifully as ever. When he arrived, he found his favorite table empty – maybe Maggie was being hopeful and keeping it that way for him. He sat down, and she was immediately right there with a menu and the coffee pot.

"Well, you're back quicker than you thought," she said and poured coffee for him.

And as she poured he realized he hadn't touched either cup Angie had brought to him, and in fact, this would be his first cup of the day. "Yes, it was a quick meeting. I got home last night. What's good today?"

"Roasted chicken with carrots and potatoes is the special and it's fantastic, if I do say so myself."

Jarrod caught the gleam in her eye. "Your recipe?"

"My mother's, and it all just melts in your mouth."

"Sold," Jarrod said with a laugh and handed the menu back. Then, quietly, "Come by and chat whenever you get the chance."

Maggie looked around. "Might not be able to. We're gonna have a busy lunch hour."

"Well, then you better get my roasted chicken before somebody else claims it."

Maggie smiled that beautiful smile. "Coming right up."

Maggie was right. She had little time to chat, but Jarrod had a plan. As he left, he said, "I'll see you at dinner, okay?"

Maggie nodded. "I'd like that a lot."

XXXXX

Back at the office by a bit after one o'clock, Jarrod dug into his work again and was pretty satisfied that he was ready for the Littman trial by the time seven rolled around. Angie had left at six, so Jarrod was left to lock up. He was out walking to dinner and was at the café by seven-twenty.

It was quieting down there then. Only three other tables were occupied, and Maggie was a lot less busy. His favorite table was still free for him, and he sat down, suddenly more weary than he had realized.

Maggie poured him coffee. "You look beat."

"Long day, but fruitful," Jarrod said. "How about you?"

"The same," Maggie said. "I did very well in tips today, so I'm happy. How about steak and potatoes to reward yourself for a hard day's work?"

"Sold," Jarrod said.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Time ticked by. Jarrod ate his steak and potates slowly and enjoyed it, but at the same time he was eager for closing time at nine to come around. He did share a smile with Maggie every chance he got. It was a secret smile, just between the two of them. They were the only ones who knew the affection behind it. No one else had any business knowing just yet.

At closing time, he got up and said, "May I walk you home?"

"You surely may," Maggie said.

And in a little while, they were out on the street together. He had offered his arm and she took it, and they strolled slowly, enjoying a spell of late autumn warmth in the weather and each other.

"You worked pretty late tonight," Maggie said.

"Getting ready for a trial next week. That's one reason I'm glad I didn't have to stay over in Sacramento. I was able to get things pretty well ready today, so I won't have to cram over the weekend. So I'll have Sunday free."

Maggie smiled. "Are you asking me out again?"

"Yes," Jarrod said flatly. "What would you think about a trip to the conservatory, and the gardens if anything is in bloom?"

"I'd love it, and if the weather stays like this, there should be plenty of flowers in bloom."

They walked in silence for a few minutes more before Jarrod said, "I have a confession. I missed seeing you even though it was only one day."

"I missed you, too," Maggie said. "The time we spent together that last Sunday afternoon made me remember how lovely it was to be – " She stopped before saying the last word.

"What?" Jarrod asked.

"To be courted," Maggie said. "Even if you're not exactly courting me."

"What would you say if I said I'd like to think I was courting you?" Jarrod asked.

"I'd say please do. I'd like to get to know you much better, Jarrod."

"I'm glad," he said. "I'd like to get to know you more, too."

They carefully crossed the street together and Jarrod led Maggie to her townhouse. They stopped at the bottom of the stairs. Jarrod had left her here after that Sunday date of theirs, but now, he lingered.

"Would you like to come in for some coffee?" Maggie asked.

Jarrod hesitated for a moment – propriety, after all, but Maggie looked perfectly comfortable asking. He said, "Yes, I would."

They walked up the stairs and he opened the door there for her. The door to her apartment was only a few steps inside the front door. She unlocked it and went in. Jarrod followed.

It was modest, to say the least, but that didn't surprise him. Maggie never did seem like one to crowd herself with ostentatious things. The living room held only a sofa, two chairs, a fireplace and a coffee table. Jarrod could see a kitchen through another door, and on the other side of the living room was a closed door, probably the bedroom.

"Please, have a seat," Maggie said, hanging her shawl on a peg near the door and leaving her reticule there, too. "I'll put the coffee on."

Jarrod paused for a moment to look at a photograph on the mantle above the fireplace. Maggie and a handsome man with a trimmed moustache and beard. Her husband, no doubt. They looked happy.

He had stood looking at it longer than he thought. Maggie coming back into the room woke him up. "Your husband?" he asked.

Maggie went to the sofa and sat down. "Yes, his name was Mark. He was in the freight business. We sold it not long before he died, to pay medical bills and give me a bit to live on. Not a lot, but with my work at the café, it lets me afford this apartment, rather than having to live in a boarding house with all its rules. The building is for single women only and the apartment is spare, but it's private and it suits me. I'm happy here, and at the café. Getting to meet and talk to interesting people is what I enjoy most now."

Jarrod came over to the sofa and sat down beside her.

"Jarrod," she said, "may I tell you a few more things about myself?"

He was a bit surprised by her approach but said, "Please."

She seemed to think hard about it before she spoke. "Mark and I were married not quite eight years ago. Our marriage lasted only six years, but they were glorious years. I can't begin to tell you how it felt, living every minute of every day to the absolute fullest. You see, when we married, we both already knew that Mark was terminally ill."

Jarrod was shocked to hear that. He didn't know what to say.

"We had known each other and agreed to be married before he became ill, and he offered to let me withdraw my promise to marry him, but I didn't want to. I wanted whatever time we were going to have, and it turned out that when you know your time together may be brief, you don't waste any of it." Maggie smiled. "And we didn't. I've never been so sublimely happy in all of my life, and to this day, when I think of that time, when I think of Mark, I am so happy and so grateful that he made me his wife – I don't have words for it."

Jarrod said, "That's wonderful. Most people aren't that fortunate."

Maggie took his left hand and looked at it closely. "Mark had a bad heart. At first, the only symptoms that you'd even notice were the occasional chest pains, when he had them, which wasn't that often, but before too long, other things began to crop up. For instance, at the end of the day, and sometimes earlier, he would get a swelling in his hands."

Jarrod almost pulled his hand away, but she gave it up first. She looked into his eyes, calmly, kindly, with no pity at all.

"Have you talked to a doctor about your hands?" she asked.

Jarrod looked at his swollen hand. "I guess you've noticed the difference between the morning Jarrod Barkley and the evening Jarrod Barkley."

"So, you have seen a doctor," she said.

Jarrod nodded. "I've known for a while. Been able to hide it. You're the only other person who's figured it out, that I know of."

"Then, your family doesn't know?"

Jarrod shook his head, staring at his hand. "No. I've saddled my family with several problems over the last few years, mostly due to my profession. I didn't want to add this one to the pile just yet."

"And you? Is your life all work now?"

He looked up. "For the moment."

"Don't let it be," Maggie said quickly. "I meant it when I said the time that Mark and I had together was glorious, made the more so because we knew it wouldn't last long. Whatever gives you joy, do it, and do it as much as you can. You will be the happier for it, and that's all that matters now, being happy."

"You're a unique woman, Maggie," Jarrod said, after a slight pause. "I'm not sure many women would look at it that way, if a man with a cloud over his head wanted to be part of their lives."

"How do you know until you ask?"

Jarrod suddenly felt embarrassed and oddly unsure of himself. Everything he had been thinking about Maggie, he suddenly felt awkward about thinking. Some deeper truth had crept into his mind, now that they were alone together in this intimate and very personal setting. "All right, maybe it's more that I worry about finding a wonderful woman who might love me and then have to leave her far too soon. My own wife and I were married only a week."

Maggie looked startled.

"My wife was murdered in my arms," Jarrod said, the intimacy of the moment overriding the awkwardness. He felt the need to speak a lot of truth, and he felt the freedom to do it. "I became a man I didn't know, for a long time. Angry, sullen, even – well, I dropped the biggest problem of my life at my family's feet, and that's another reason I left now. I couldn't hand them yet another problem and I couldn't let them watch me get weaker and die."

"Perhaps you should think more about that, Jarrod," Maggie said. "Would you have traded any one of the days in that week you had with your wife for anything in the world, even knowing how everything ended? Don't you miss your family at the end of the day, when you're alone with your thoughts?"

He didn't have to consider that for very long. He had to smile and shake his head. "No, I wouldn't trade any one of those days with my wife, even knowing all of the ending. And I do miss my family. They saw me through those terrible times after my wife died. They've seen me through a lot of terrible times, and we've shared a lot of good ones." Then he looked at her with a twinkle in his eye. "You're not trying to ship me back to Stockton and get rid of me, are you?"

"No," she said softly, laughing a little. "Not at all."

Jarrod looked at her, at the sweetness in her eyes, made even more sweet because now she knew his biggest secret, and she understood it. She made him want to keep living, for as long as he was living. She made him want her.

He took her softly by the chin. "Maggie, may I kiss you?"

"I'd like that," she said.

He kissed her. Deep, deep longing that had plagued each of them for a long time came out and neither one of them was afraid of it. It became something more than more than something shared between two lonely people. It became understanding and acceptance and a completeness that Jarrod scarcely remembered, but Maggie did remember and treasured. She wanted it back again and she wanted to give to him. And he did ache for it, without even knowing it, until it was his without asking.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Jarrod closed his eyes and enjoyed the long, lovely kiss. But then, he began to back away, first only inside, then physically. He sighed unhappily and stood up.

"Are you leaving?" Maggie asked.

He said, "I think I'd better. I should leave before your neighbors notice me."

"Is that just propriety talking, or are you really unsure about us?"

Jarrod thought. There was the proper answer, and there was the real answer. There was really no decision to make. Only real answers would do with Maggie. "I'm not sorry for that kiss, not at all, but I am concerned about how your neighbors would see things if I stay longer. You deserve better than their gossip, and I don't want the be the cause of you having trouble with your landlord."

"Well, then, you should go, but keep something in mind while you think about this. We've both needed someone tonight, and we decided it was one another, and there's nothing wrong with that."

"I want to keep seeing you, Maggie. I want your company. I want to learn more about you."

"I feel the same way. Go on. I need to get some sleep myself. Maybe we can meet tomorrow night and talk some more."

Jarrod smiled a little. "I do need you, in so many ways." He leaned down and kissed her again.

"I need you, too. Come to the café tomorrow night. We can talk while you walk me home."

Jarrod nodded, gave her one more small kiss, and let himself out.

When he got to the office the next morning, he knew it was a good thing he had prepared the Littman case the day before, because he had a difficult time keeping his mind on his work. As soon as he began reviewing papers, his mind would wander back to Maggie, back to last night.

At one point he got up and paced anxiously. Maggie was too special a person for him to embarrass her in San Francisco society, but he was falling into his own need before he knew it. What was he going to do now? He meant it when he told her he needed her, but what would happen now? Given everything they had shared last night – not just the kiss, but all the secrets they revealed to each other – where were they going now?

And wasn't it true – when you feel like he felt that about a woman, didn't you propose marriage? That was what good, upstanding men did, but it was too soon and the obstacles in their way - their own first marriages that had ended in losing their spouses too young, his illness that would send her down the same path she had traveled before, even his monstrous reaction to losing his wife that he hadn't really confessed yet. Maybe at some point they were obstacles he and Maggie could overcome, but right now he wasn't so sure.

But he did need her, right now, in so many ways.

Lunchtime rolled around. Jarrod wasn't sure what to do, but then he decided he wanted to go to the café and see Maggie again, if only to see her smile to reassure him that things were not as hopeless as his mind was making them out to be. And, sure enough, when he came into the café, she was there, and she smiled at him.

His regular table was taken, so Maggie showed him to another table next to the window. She gave him the menu, saying, "It's good to see you, Mr. Barkley," and it was only part politeness. Her smile carried affection he couldn't deny.

He returned it. "What's good today, Maggie?" he asked.

"I'd go for the hot roast beef sandwich now, and when you come back for dinner, the friend chicken should hit the spot."

Jarrod gave her the menu. "I will be back for dinner, about 7:30 if that's all right."

"Perfect," Maggie said and left to get him some coffee.

Jarrod watched her go, and his heart settled down from all the turning over it had done in the morning. He watched her work, and he knew something securely inside – he would see a lot more of her and figure out where this relationship could go.

XXXXX

The afternoon went more smoothly for him at the office, and when he left for dinner just after seven, he was feeling much better than he'd felt at lunchtime. Again, the café was quieting down when he got there. His favorite table was available, and Maggie was there with her smile.

"Fried chicken, Mr. Barkley?" she asked.

Jarrod smiled. "Per your recommendation."

He took his time, chatted a little idly with Maggie, and by nine he was the only customer left. He politely and publicly asked if he could walk her home, and she, as expected, said yes.

Again, it was getting colder when they left, but Maggie had her own coat this time. She took his arm as they headed for her apartment.

Jarrod wasted no time. "I have to admit, I missed you all day, and I was thinking about us all day. My head has been spinning around."

"Mine, too," Maggie said. "May I be frank?"

"Always, please."

"I enjoyed what we shared last night. I needed it – I needed the kiss, and I needed to talk about Mark. And I am falling in love with you."

"And I'm falling in love with you, too."

"Good. I'm glad. But please, don't propose, not yet."

Jarrod was a little surprised. "May I be frank?"

"Always, please."

"I wasn't going to propose. I think we might have a few issues to deal with. I don't know - they might keep us from ever marrying, but I don't want them to keep us from being together now, however you want that to be."

Maggie smiled. "I feel exactly the same way."

"But we really can't be seen going into each other's apartments. It could cost you too much – especially your reputation once the neighbors start talking."

Before much longer, they were at the foot of the steps into Maggie's apartment. Jarrod knew he could not go in there. What was going to happen?

He leaned over and kissed Maggie on the cheek. "I think we both have a lot of things to think about."

Maggie reached up and touched his hair, running her finger softly through it. "We'll figure it out," she said and smiled.

Jarrod smiled, too. He really hoped that they would.

XXXXX

But then, the middle of the night came.

Jarrod lay awake for a long time. After he heard the clock strike one in the morning, he got up, put on his robe and went down to his living room, where he lit a cigar and sat in his favorite chair, thinking.

So many scenarios ran through his head, but every one of them ended up with not wanting to ruin Maggie's reputation. It could get her fired. She could be evicted from her apartment, even if they never were there alone together again. All it took was some nosy neighbor at her place or his, and she could be seriously hurt.

But he wanted to be with her, and he wanted more. He couldn't deny that. The proper thing to do, of course, was to propose to her. But she would turn him down, and there were so many reasons she should.

Not just his illness, not just that she'd be going through the same heartbreak she'd been through with Mark. His death – the way he died – had to have been hell on earth for Maggie.

And he had felt his first wife die in his arms, murdered. Maggie knew about that, but she did not know what he had turned into after, not really. If she knew what kind of rage lived deep inside him – if she knew there was a genuine murderer lurking in there, cut loose when tragedy destroyed love -

He could never take their relationship much farther without telling her about that, and he was nervous about telling her about it. He was ashamed of it, and afraid she would run away from him as fast as she could if she knew. All this made other real obstacles to any serious relationship between them.

Was the only real solution to end it now?

But he needed her. He needed her despite all the obstacles. Was it real love growing between them or was he being selfish, needy because of the threat his illness carried? Did he really love her, or was it all because he just didn't want to get sicker and die alone?

He fell asleep in the chair, still uneasy, still unsure.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The next day was Friday, and Jarrod spent it digging back into the Littman file. The trial was set to start on Monday morning, and he really wanted to leave the whole thing alone over Saturday and Sunday. It was his way of preparing for any trial that was going to take a lot of time – dig deep, then leave it alone for a day or two before the trial would start. It was a routine that had worked for him for years.

So, again, he spent the morning so entrenched in the case that Angie had to let him know when lunchtime came. Today he decided to go to his club for lunch – he wanted to eat more quickly than he knew he would if he went to the café, which was farther away anyway. Maggie would understand, he hoped, and he'd see her for dinner.

He was seated and served quickly at the club and was finishing up when someone sat down at his table and said, bluntly, "Jarrod, have you lost your mind?"

Nathan Springer. Jarrod chuckled. He should have known Nate would know about him turning down the Attorney General possibility. The man had all kinds of political connection, and he surely would never understand Jarrod turning down a chance at that plum position.

"Hi, there, Nate," Jarrod said, "and no, I am completely sound of mind. Why do you ask?"

"Why," Springer said. "You know damned well why. Are you going to make me say it out loud?"

"Of course," Jarrod said.

"You turned down a certain Attorney General position!"

Jarrod smiled in mock surprise. "My goodness, Nate, how did you know that?"

"Just stop it, Jarrod," Springer said. "You're crazy. You know you're crazy."

"No, I'm not, I'm just repositioning my priorities."

"Repositioning – Jarrod, every attorney in the State wants to be where you are now. Or at least where you were on Tuesday. You're making a mistake, a big mistake."

"Well, it's mine to make, and it won't be the last one."

"Coleman is ready to give you one more chance."

"Really? Did he tell you that?"

Springer was getting testy now. "You know damned well he and I have been talking about this."

"What are you so concerned about? I thought you wanted the job. This leaves the door open for you."

Springer squirmed. "Not this election cycle, it doesn't. I need to make a few more friends. I can be irritating, you know."

Jarrod laughed. "I knew, but I didn't think you did."

"Well, I've got to rebuild some bridges."

"And me being Attorney General would give you the time to rebuild those bridges, huh? Sorry to let you down, Nate. I have no desire to be Attorney General, now or ever."

"You want to keep working your head off as a trial lawyer."

"Yes, I do." Jarrod wiped his mouth. "And right now, I have to go back to doing that."

Jarrod stood up, and Springer followed him. Jarrod held out his hand.

"Why don't you go for it now, Nate? Who knows, maybe you don't have all the enemies you think you do."

Springer made a face. "Yeah, I do. But if you're certain you don't want the job – well, all the best to you, Jarrod." He shook Jarrod's hand.

"I'm planning on that, Nate," Jarrod said and left.

And somehow, finding out his decision not to run for office was irritating Nate Springer made him a lot happier about it.

XXXXXXX

At the end of the day, his work done, Jarrod left the office and knew he had to think now about Maggie.

He went on to the café, and he smiled at Maggie as soon as he came in the door. He sat at his regular table and ordered the special – liver and onions – and stayed until closing, when he asked, "Is it all right if I walk you home again?"

Maggie nodded, and before long they were walking what was now the familiar path to Maggie's apartment. They walked for a long time in silence before Jarrod began to speak.

"I want to talk about us," Jarrod said. "And I want to be frank, okay?"

"Of course," she said.

"I'm falling in love with you, and I want to be with you as much as I can, but I keep getting tied up in knots because of all the problems we face."

"Let's talk about the problems then."

"Let's start with why you don't want me to propose. Why would you turn me down?"

She was silent for a few moments as they strolled, and then she said, "It's not that I don't think you really want to marry me. I think if we didn't have these other things hanging over us, you would want to marry me, and I'd want to marry you. But we're not kids. We're both widowed, and there are strings attached to our being widowed."

Jarrod said, "I'm scared because my illness is so like Mark's. I'm afraid you wouldn't want to go through that again."

Maggie smiled. "Issue number one – but that's not the big one, I don't think. Could I marry you knowing we'd be going down the same road I traveled with my first husband? Maybe I could."

"Maybe isn't good enough, and that's not the only obstacle," Jarrod said. "There's what happened with my wife."

"I understand that it was devastating for you, but does it really keep you from wanting to marry me?"

They were at the foot of the stairs to Maggie's apartment. They stopped. Jarrod looked up at the door, then back at Maggie. "Do you think we'd get away with me coming in for a while, or shall we just walk around some more?"

"How deep is this conversation going to get?" Maggie asked.

Jarrod thought about it, and decided. "Deep."

"We'll risk it then," Maggie said and led him up the stairs.

In a moment they were in her apartment, without anyone knowing he was there, as far as they could tell.

"Do you want some coffee?" Maggie asked.

"No," Jarrod said, "I just want to talk."

Maggie hung up her coat and reticule, and they sat down together on the sofa. Jarrod took her hands and found he could not look her in the eye as he said what he had to say. He just looked at her hands.

"My wife was murdered by a man I had put in prison seven years earlier, but no on saw him do it, so the law didn't arrest him. I didn't see him do it, but I knew it was him. He left town. I took off after him, against my family's wishes. I even slugged my brother Nick because he tried to stand in my way. I took off, I followed this man for days. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. I brutalized anybody I needed to get information from if they weren't fast enough with it. The man saw me at one point and shot me – " Jarrod brushed the spot on his temple where the bullet grazed him. "That didn't even stop me. I rode into a town – draped over my horse, I'm told, completely unconscious. When I woke up the next day, I found out the man I was after was in jail for disturbing the peace and would be for 30 days. Didn't stop me. I just bribed the sheriff to let him out, and he did, and I went after the man in the street."

Jarrod finally looked up at Maggie. "I was killing him – drowning him in a watering trough – when my brothers arrived and stopped me. I even drew on my brothers, trying to get them to let me at him." He looked down at her hands again. "After that, things are a blur for quite a while. When I finally got myself back together – and it took a long, long time to really get myself together – the shame kept creeping up on me and I've never gotten over it, not really. I'm always afraid that monster I turned into might come out again." He looked up at Maggie again. "He follows me around like a black cloud."

Maggie listened, and finally smiled a small, soft smile as she touched the spot where the bullet had creased his temple. "You're a man with a couple black clouds following you around, aren't you?"

Jarrod chuckled and looked down again. "Guess I am. I don't know if I can ever ask you – or anybody – to walk with me through what's left of my life, with clouds like that following me around."

Maggie sat back with a sigh. For a while, she was quiet, but then she said, "I'd be lying if I said that none of that matters because I love you. I am falling in love with you, Jarrod, but all of that does matter. Funny thing is, we do share the same cloud – that illness of yours. It's the one that follows me around, too. I've been thinking about it all day – imagining that you and I do marry, and we live a life like Mark and I lived. All of that life, the good and the bad. And I loved that imagining, as much as I loved my life with Mark. Your cloud is already my cloud, Jarrod. I don't think that one should stop us, if we decide we want to marry. I'm not afraid of walking that road again."

"How about the rest of it?" Jarrod asked. "I have a dangerous temper, Maggie."

"And was that the only time it got the best of you?"

"So far, but it scares me. It genuinely scares me."

"I can tell. But now that you know your temper is that bad, perhaps you can keep him from getting out of control. Think about that. And let's see where we are. We're not so much in love yet that we can overcome those obstacles, are we?"

Jarrod shook his head. "No, not yet, but I want to be, and we want to be together, don't we?"

Maggie nodded. "Yes, and I want to be in love with you, too."

Jarrod took a deep breath. "Well then, I can see only one solution right now. It's not ideal, but it will keep you from losing your job or being evicted. It will keep my conscience clear. And it will give us time to see if those clouds will make any difference."

"What's your solution?"

Jarrod smiled. "A good, old fashioned, proper society courtship."

Maggie laughed. "You mean like we were kids?"

Jarrod laughed, too. "Not exactly, but something along those lines. Maybe the closest two old once-married people can get to it. I said I wanted to be with you, however that is. And I can fancy a proper courtship, actually. If you can. And like any other couple, we'll see where things go."

Maggie considered it. She wondered if he could really settle for that for long – she wondered if she could herself.

But she smiled. "All right, Mr. Barkley. A good old fashioned courtship it is."

"But please call me Jarrod. I don't want to be THAT old fashioned."

"Jarrod," Maggie said, and she leaned forward and kissed him. "Now, I suppose I should show you to the door."

Jarrod gave a mock groan and stood up. Maggie took him out to the outer door, where he gave her a small peck on the cheek and said, "Until tomorrow, Maggie."

Maggie smiled. "Until tomorrow, Jarrod."

The End

(to be continued...)


End file.
